My So-Called Life

2010-03-23T21:08:00.001-07:00

Big changes coming! Stay tuned!

ICLW

2010-03-21T08:34:00.000-07:00

Random LN tidbits.

I cuss too much.
I'm in love... with Chemistry
Being a nerd in adulthood is WAYYYYY better than being a nerd in highschool. I'm the popular one now.
I have MTHFR.
I also have PCOS
My life is defined by acronyms.
I have a dog named Lily that I treat like a baby. (She's asleep in her dress next to me on her blankie)
I have secrets that even my best friends don't know.
We tried the basics of IF treatment and are living childfree now

Hope you enjoy ICLW! Here's another post to help you get to know me.

And as always, feel free to follow me on Twitter.

Lily

2010-03-21T07:49:00.000-07:00

Just some updated pictures of Lily. My long lost sister sent Lily the shoes for Christmas. These pics were taken for the Valentine's card I sent out.

Looks like Lily might be getting a brother... not really by choice though. My brother bought a $500 chug puppy but him and his gf work fulltime+ and carry the weirdest schedule. They both work overnight, John usually works 5-6 nights and she works 3-4 (12s) so they can't care for a puppy. They were going to give him away (possibly shelter) and I couldn't let that happen. I'm driving to Tulsa tomorrow to get him. I'll either keep him or find him a better home. (Probably the better home, but I'll be sooooo careful to pick where he goes.)

Here's Eddie (and yes I know, he's close to being the ugliest dog in the world.)

Where I've Been

2010-03-17T23:09:00.000-07:00

Looks like the last post was before the holidays last year. Lots has happened since then.

I'm still going to school for my chemistry undergrad. I have one semester left of prereqs for Pharmacy school. Which means I should be pcatting soon, but that is another post. I'm currently taking Organic Chemistry 1, which I am apparently amazing at. Only about 29% of people pass this class ever and I'm holding a 106% overall average. 100% on the first test. 112% on the 2nd. I'm also taking the organic lab but who really cares about lab! I'm taking trig and calc classes too but I try not to go too often so it doesn't screw up my A average in there. It's a pretty easy and fun semester.

I have finally met THAT instructor. I'm his favorite, right out of the gate. Being a favorite is more of a challenge than anything else. And it is that challenge that makes him my favorite. I've never been one for mediocrity, but I'm usually the type to just do the bare minimum to get by. He challenges me, and calls bullshit when I am unsure. He is changing my life, just in one 4 hour class. And because of this, I'm starting to believe that I'm smarter than I ever knew! He makes me answer questions in class, and go to the board to argue my case on an answer I know is right! Wow.... going to get in a ramble whirlwind. More on Dr. N later.

Not leaving chemistry completely. I am now working for the school as a tutor and lab assistant in the chemistry department. I tutor two classes. A chem 2 class with the same instructor I had last year and really loved. And another chem 2 class with a new face, but already so amazing. Dr. PN is married to my favorite Dr. N! More on the both of them later.

W and I stopped all treatment. Even so that I forgot to make my annual appointment! I stopped taking all of my pills, even the ones I still need. But I was done. Months and months of taking 30+ pills a day with NO outcome. Done.

I'm starting to get back on some of them, like my baspirin, metformin, and folic acid. These are pills that I was told to take regardless. Oh and fishoil but yuck. So I'm trying to be better and at least take the drugs for MTHFR.

Next post: LILY

Metformin

2010-03-16T17:48:00.000-07:00

I'm back!!!! Years ago my doctor prescribed Metformin, 2000mg a day as 4 extended release tablets. How much do you take (if you take it) and how did your doctor build you up to that much?

Follow me on twitter!

2009-11-25T09:21:00.000-08:00

Continued from the previous post:

Everyone knows about *our* (really just mine, but I like to share) infertility. At first we were quiet about it, after the 2nd miscarriage only close friends knew or people that had asked me what was wrong. I'm not very good at keeping secrets, even if it is something about me. If you know me in real life you would know what a loud mouth I am. I'm always the center of attention and glad to be there. I feel like I rule my school and talk to everyone, even if they don't know me yet. I needed to be loud about my infertility so it wouldn't just fester up like a bad splinter. I tend to hang out with the older people in my classes just because I'm an old junior (when you think about 19 year olds being juniors.) They always ask if we have kids and depending on the circumstance, I tell them then and there why we don't have kids. I almost feel like it's helped me find my voice in this big world and helped define me as a person.

Happy ICLW!

ICLW

2009-11-25T09:14:00.000-08:00

I had this post written two weeks ago for ICLW and I thought I had it set to post on the 21st but apparently not.

Hi! Welcome to my blog, ICLWers! My name is Ellen. I'm 23. I'm a chemistry student going into my senior year. I'm a prepharmacy student but some of my professors are pushing me to get a chemical engineering doctorate or just a plain chemistry doctorate. I have PCOS, POF, and MTHFR so we have given up all chances at having a baby. With me going back to school it would be years until we could think about adoption or surrogacy so we are just done. We had a dog named Lily, who is just as spoiled as a baby would be.

Lots of people have been doing questions for ICLW lately so I leave you with this question: Are you open with your infertility? Do your family, coworkers or friends know? Do you feel that people treat you differently or do you wish they would?

(My answer on the next post.)

Lately

2009-11-09T16:05:00.000-08:00

I know I am MIA for months at a time but as the previous post explains- it's for my sanity. So many people have turned to their blogs as a way to make money, which is fine, but it shouldn't be the sole purpose.

I have 10 days left of this semester (yay!!) I stopped babysitting so I would have more time for school (aka watching tv on my days off.) I work about 4 hours a week in the women's center at the local hospital. I have always worked l&d, nicu, peds, picu, and postpartum so why let infertility stop that! I recently had an amazing job offer to work in the IV pharmacy at my old hospital but the hours wouldn't have worked with next semester. I also was asked to be a Chemistry 2 tutor for two lab classes at my university, so I will be doing that instead.

Classes are going great. I'm really kicking ass in Chemistry and I love the SHIT out of it. My favorite professor has been slipping me random job info about careers with a doctorate in Chemistry instead of a pharmacy doctorate. I would love it but I don't know how realistic that is.

Infertility still lurks in the back of my mind but I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. People still get on my nerves when they bitch about their pregnancy (even if they feel that they are due that right.) Or when I see a 15 year old with twins. It probably helps that I go to school with younger kids that are still scared of getting pregnant. And there will hardly be any parents (at least moms) in my doctorate program because no mom in their right mind would sign on for that.

Well that's all I have for now-- see you in a month or two.

If you miss me, you can always follow me on twitter!

Winter Babies

2009-09-23T16:38:00.001-07:00

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB125356566517528879.html

READ THIS

2009-09-23T11:53:00.001-07:00

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/09/10/life-after-infertility-treatments-fail/

Taking a break from blogging.

2009-09-23T11:25:00.000-07:00

My blog used to be a place where I could write and get wonderful support about infertility and TTC. A lot of people don't understand my "choice" to not continue some kind of treatment. First of all, it's not my choice, it's "God's" choice or whoever you want to blame for something like that. Yes, we could adopt. And who knows maybe in 10 years we will. But that will only cause me to relive my pain from infertility and the pain of being in limbo again. Yes of course I want children but I don't want to ruin my life to get there.

My husband's college friend came this past weekend. He lives in DC and I've never met him before. He commented on my personality and my mood as always being happy and positive. This is who I am now. I remove myself from situations that make me uncomfortable and I'm better than ever. I don't really give a fuck what you think about that either.

I check back in once on blogger once and awhile. I can't BELIEVE how some people have gone completely off the deep end around here!

BTW. School is good. I'm totally rocking this semester. My education will be my baby apparently.

Abortion

2009-08-13T14:36:00.001-07:00

How does an infertile deal with a "friend" having an abortion? This is the 2nd "friend" since my miscarriage that has had one. Please help me make sense of this.

Happy (late) Blogoversary. Poor little bloggy.

2009-07-28T07:21:00.000-07:00

Ohhh goodness! Everyone has been celebrating their blogoversaries so I checked on mine because I figured it would be coming up... AND I MISSED IT!

We will be celebrating with a giveaway (you know how I love those.) But I don't quite have an idea of what I want to giveaway. I think I will be turning to Etsy for this one. Stay tuned.

Sometimes it's fun to disappear.

2009-07-21T05:52:00.000-07:00

Update since last time: I'm no longer looking for a job because the lady I am babysitting for still needs me, at least until December. And as long as I can get like 4-6 hours a week I will be fine. It's my last week at my temporary job at the trans.plant center. Last week was suppose to be my last week but the girl I'm training is the dumbest person I've ever met. And she's annoying. Chews-with-her-mouth-open is also a mom, an annoying one. She blames EVERYTHING on being a mom and tells me about how she is a mom close to 15 times a day. No lie. She blames her dumbassness on "mommy brain" and tells me she is always sooo tired and can carry 1000 things because she's a mom and blah blah blah. She lives with her parents, has a 3 year old, has a fiance (not the daddy, of course) and just finished some career tech school that my tax money paid for. Don't get me wrong, these systems are put into place for people that need them. But when you have a job and still get free daycare, foodstamps, wic, AND soonercare (medicaid for women and children) it's not fair. I've got no respect for someone like that. Mind you, she also has a nicer cell phone, cuter clothes, accessories coming out the ass. Why don't you stop buying shit and pay for that kid you have?!

Ahh so that turned into a rant but oh god. I have trained a ton of people in my professional lifetime but never has my patience run out... until her.

Anyway, School starts soon!! wwoooooot wooooot. I'm excited. I was glad to take the summer off but I'm ready to start studying again. Next week I plan to get my office in decent shape for the semester. I also need to buy books but it's close to $1400 just for this semester.

Rambling.

HELP!

2009-07-02T17:52:00.000-07:00

Okay ladies... (and gentlemen? probably not but whatever)

My summer internship is coming to a close AND the lady I babysit for won't be needing me after July so I need a job! I usually can go without one but we are trying to keep our heads above water. William will be getting a promotion in December but I don't want to wait that long to get extra money.

So, this is where you all come in. I need resume tips. Anything will do. I've never really written a grown up resume. Also, I'm going to hit the town and hit every pharmacy (or anything that looks interesting) and somehow I want to weasel my way into talking to the management or pharmacist. How do I get their attention? I don't just want to drop my resume. I want them to remember me.

And if you are in the OKC Metro and know of something cool, LET ME KNOW!

Much thanks!

A different kind of countdown.

2009-06-30T07:22:00.000-07:00

It's been 2 months since we decided to stop trying. I'm still waiting for it to get easier. I don't expect it to be overnight but I'm so ready to not feel like this. People will say things just in passing and somehow I feel like they are directly attacking me. Maybe it's because some people are directly attacking me. Whatev. One pro of being off the meds.... no periods! At least I can look forward to that. I might have 1-2 a year. Go PCOS!

At Katie's request: Lily

2009-06-28T14:26:00.001-07:00

Although Katie has seen most of these via twitter, her technical request was to see them on my blog. So here are some new shots of Lily. I tend to snap the cutest ones on my phone but they never turn out as well. This week my goal is to get some in her clothes with my actual camera!

The ramblings of a twenty something on Adderall. To be continued.

2009-06-24T13:59:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure the Baby Orajel is stonger than the grown up kind. Just thought I would share.

William and I are doing dinner tonight at Musashi's. My friend, T, is having her party there at 7 but William is meeting me at 6 for sushi across the street. This new life might be okay.

Found out today that my best friend moved to Atlanta. I knew she was moving, I just didn't realize I had missed her departure. I've been out of town the last 2 weekends and working full time has been kicking my ass. So, Ang is gone. Mom is next. I'm sure John will be gone soon too. (John=brother) Who is going to be left in Oklahoma? Where will we go for the holidays? I HATE the town where my mom will soon reside. It's 8 hours away and those people look like they could work at Silver Dollar City without dawning costumes. Yes, it's that bad.

I'm trying not to give my mom a hard time about the move. It's where she is from and where most of her friends are. But I guarantee if I had some kids she wouldn't be moving out of state, she'd be moving closer to me. Speaking of that, my mom's boyfriend has a brand new grandson. Mom has pictures with said child. Hanging up. On the fridge. Of course I haven't said anything. She'll feel bad and I don't want that. It's just hard to look at and I know she doesn't mean anything by it but c'mon! Burn!

I'm really jumping from topic to topic but that's how my mind works. Last Saturday we went to visit my dad and his wife, Doris. William and I were in the car with Doris on the way to meet my dad for dinner. She knows nothing of our struggles or life decisions. She tells us a big long story about how she doesn't really like her daughter-in-law because she had kids from a previous marriage and then got a hysterectomy. So is it safe to say that people on W's side will hate me equally as much? I can only hope.

Got to run. More rambling later!

ICLW

2009-06-23T16:19:00.001-07:00

I'm a blogging slacker. Since starting my new summer job on June 2 I haven't had ANY time for any extra anything.

For those ICLWers tuning in.

My name is Ellen.

I have MTHFR, a genetic mutation that fucks my blood up. I also have PCOS, a stupid "syndrome" that fucks up my ovaries. And newly this week, I have been diagnosed with POF, Premature Ovarian Failure. It seems my reproductive health can all be described with abbreviations. I am learning to live with these "failures" (seriously, they couldn't come up with a better word?)

I am married to a wonderful man, William. He is truly my strength through all this. Recently, William and I have decided to live child-free instead of working towards adoption or surrogacy. Some might think this is selfish, but those people can blow me. I commend people for adopting. It takes a very special family to adopt. I don't necessarily think I have to explain and I probably won't be able to do so very well. I don't have the will to go through more heartbreak if I can help it. The miscarriages and infertility took me to a place that I don't want to be ever again. It hurt our marriage and my friendships, among other things. We are finally able to be "newlyweds" for the first time and it is great. We are getting our passports in the coming weeks and planning on traveling as often as we can.

Time to brag about my puppy. Her name is Lily. She's 5 months and growing so quickly, she's almost 3 1/2 pounds! She's a long haired chihuahua and the light of my life :) If you want to see some pictures check out my other posts or facebook me (ellen moore.)

Well I think I rambled my little heart out. If you have any questions feel free to ask! Oh yeah, and if you are easily offended or don't like the word fuck, my blog might not be the one for you! Thanks for stopping by!

WINNERS ANNOUNCED!

2009-06-05T19:01:00.000-07:00

CONGRATS TO THE WINNERS!!

10 - Katie (The Happy Hours)

16 - Kristin (Dragondreamer's Lair)

28 - Katie (isn't TTC suppose to be fun?)

Thanks to everyone for making my first giveaway a great one! Special thanks to Stacy from Good Dog Bakery for allowing me to use and promote their product!

Remember to check out Good Dog Bakery on the web and order your dog some great treats!

Winners please email me @ ellen.e.moore@att.net with your full name and address!

Round up....

2009-06-05T18:25:00.001-07:00

1. Beautiful Mess (comment)
2. Beautiful Mess (follower)
3. In Due Time (comment)
4. In Due Time (follower)
5. Heather (comment)
6. Heather (Twitter RT)
7. Heather (follower)
8. Heather (twitter follower)
9. Katie (Twitter follower)
10. Katie (Twitter RT)
11. Katie (Blog reader)
12. Katie (@gooddogbakery follower)
13. Katie (comment)
14. Kristin (comment)
15. Kristin (@gooddogbakery follower)
16. Kristin (twitter follower)
17. Kristin (blog follower)
18. Kristin (Retweet)
19.special55k (comment)
20. alphaxi04 (follower)
21. Where's Baby? (follower)
22. B. (follower)
23. Melissa (follower)
24. just me, dawn (follower)
25. Jill (twitter follower)
26. Jill (twitter RT)
27. Jill (@gooddogbakery follower)
28. Katie (isn't ttc suppose to be fun) (blog reader)
29. Katie (RT queen)
30. Katie (follower twitter)
31. Katie (comment)

The entries will be entered on Random.org's random number generator for 1-30. Stay tuned for the winners!

Show and Tell

2009-05-30T21:35:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Show and Tell.

It's been a few weeks since I have participated. I've just been so busy and haven't had much to show. I recently got a new job and will be needing some work clothes other than scrubs (for the first time in 4 years.) I got some amazing deals and wanted to show them off.

Brown Flats $12 and the most comfy flats I've ever had (with the exception to the next photo.) Ross

I already had a pair of black flats but these are pretty cute and comfy. $12 Ross

I have such a hard time finding pants that are long enough so I was stoked to find them for $9 at Old Navy. The top is from Ross but has a New York and Company tag. $6.99

Same NY&Co shirt just a different color. $6.99 and Gray pants from Old Navy $9.

Black undershirt. Old Navy $4. Blue button up, also Old Navy, $4.99. I will usually wear this with my black pants but I didn't want to dig them out for a picture :)

Hope you enjoyed my new work clothes because I am SO excited about them. And ignore my midnight pony tail and no makeup.

Check out what the rest of the class is showing at Mel's Show and Tell.

Crazy Eights

2009-05-29T22:29:00.001-07:00

I wasn't tagged but felt like participating anyway!

8 Things I Am Looking Forward To:
1. Starting my new temp job on Monday! It's unlike anything I've done before and I get to dress super cute.
2. Next semester (I'm a freak, huh?)
3. Tomorrow's farmer's market where I get to meet Stacy from Good Dog Bakery.
4. Paying off my car (years away but I'm still looking forward to it)
5. Lily's coat to grow all the way in
6. Finishing Silent Sorority
7. Garage saling in the morning just for funsies.
8. Making some extra cash this summer and inching my way out of debt.

8 Things I Did Yesterday: (it's after midnight so I'm doing Friday)
1. Interview at the transplant institute
2. Clothes shopping
3. Babysat
4. Laundry
5. Made a killer lunch of leftover meatloaf
6. Watched some TV
7. Went to the drug store
8. Twittered for a good portion of the day :)

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:
1. Buy a house, right now!
2. Grow my hair out
3. Get pregnant
4. Buy a new car
5. Pick out outfits and jewelry without the help of others. I have NO fashion sense.
6. Finish school
7. Travel more
8. Get past this whole baby thing

8 Shows I Watch:
1. The Office
2. 30 rock
3. Friends
4. House
5. Big Bang Theory
6. Dexter <3
7. Rescue Me
8. Dallas DNA

8 Favorite Fruits:
1. Strawberries
2. Grapes
3. Bananas
4. cherries
5. apples
6. oranges
7. chocolate covered strawberries (that counts, right?)
8. peaches

8 Places I'd Like to Travel:
1. France
2. Ireland
3. Hawaii
4. Netherlands
5. Australia
6. Mexico
7. Italy
8. United Kingdom

8 Places I've Lived:
1. Broken Arrow, OK
2. Tulsa, OK
3. Bixby, OK
4. Yukon, OK
5. Edmond, OK

GIVEAWAY!

2009-05-28T19:04:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to do a giveaway for quite sometime and I've finally come up with something that I would LOVE to be a part of. As most of you know, we recently added to our family with our little baby girl, Lily. Come to find out lots of the members of the ALI community also have pets. Then the light bulb went off! I recently found a wonderful, healthy dog treat bakery here in Edmond, OK.

I will be giving away a 10 piece dog treat bag from Good Dog Bakery. These aren't just any dog treats! The bakery uses top quality human grade ingredients including organic ingredients as often as possible. This is what really attracted me to the company. I also really liked that it was family owned and local to my area.

Stacy, the manager, also had this to say when I emailed her. "In addition we believe in sustainable living and work toward that as much as possible. The energy used to make the treats comes from electricity provided by wind power along with clean burning natural gas. Our treat bags are recyclable natural kraft, and we reuse shipping boxes for orders placed on line in order to eliminate waste. Because our treats are fresh baked, we bake according to demand to reduce the possibility of spoilage.

We care deeply for our dogs because they are like children to us. If it isn't good enough for us, it isn't good enough for our kiddos either."

You can learn more at their website: http://www.agooddogbakery.com/

There are 5 ways to enter.
-Leave a comment on this blog.
-Follow my blog
-Follow me on Twitter.
-Follow Good Dog Bakery on Twitter.
-Retweet this giveaway "RT @ellenmoore08 @GoodDogBakery Treat Giveaway! http://ellenmoore08.blogspot.com/2009/05/giveaway.html"

Just leave a comment for each of these that you do so I can keep track for the drawing. If you are already following me just leave a comment telling me so!

The drawing will be Friday, June 5th, 2009 at noon!

**Disclaimer: I have no affiliation with Good Dog Bakery. I just simply love the company and it's locality :)**

Pregnant Women Are Smug!

2009-05-26T16:56:00.000-07:00

Both of these lovely ladies were in shows this season that I love so it made it even greater when I found this! Enjoy!

I've been busy!

2009-05-26T14:51:00.000-07:00

ICLW is such a bad time to go out of town to a place where my 3g network doesn't reach.

On Saturday, William and I packed the car full of clothes, lily, lily items, and river floating items. We got to Tulsa at about 1pm for my brother's cook out. Then Talitha and I went shopping and got ready for the evening. Jordan, Talitha, William and I headed out to the Cherokee Casino and Resort to meet my brother at his suite. Only lost about 9 dollars, so that's always good. Then left J, T, and W on the casino floor and headed up to the suite to kick Glenn's ass at ERS (long running inside joke game) and got a little drunk on some Reisling.... mmmm. W made us head home early since we had people staying with us.

(Pictured: My brother John and I, it would be better if I could learn to stand up straight!)

Sunday morning it started raining so we figured the river float trip would be canceled. T and J headed back to OKC after a late breakfast at IHOP. W & I headed out to my dad's to spend the day. We thought we would head back that night since the rain was ruining everything. Turns out my dad has a Wii... the rest of the day was spent on there kicking ass!

Monday we decided to go ahead and try the river and just tough out the rain. Pictures to come on this because we ended up having to "pull over" a few times and put our emergency blankets (similar to tin foil so we look AMAZING!) After the 4th rain of the morning we were able to finish our 10 mile float.

It was a busy but fun weekend and I'm SOOO ready to sleep in tomorrow.

Today, I had to babysit (more on this later because I need tips on quitting a family) and then took Lily to the vet. She weighs 2 lbs 14 oz. Because of her weight today the vet is guessing that she won't exceed 4 pounds, which is great! She will always be super tiny and cute! Not that 6 lbs isn't tiny it's fun that she will be 4ish. She got the last set of shots for a year and we scheduled her spaying in 2 months. The vet said he will probably take her home with him overnight since she is so small. I'm totally okay with this because she will be in much better hands if she needs something.

ICLW May

2009-05-21T13:03:00.000-07:00

Welcome IComLeavWe'ers!

My name is Ellen.
I'm almost 23.
I'm addicted to all things twitter.
My husband is William.
He's almost 27 (shh don't tell him I told you.)
I have PCOS and MTHFR.
We recently decided to quit TTC and I went off all my meds (prometrium, femara, estradiol, BA, Folic Acid, metformin.)
I've had a few miscarriages and they still sting.
I pretty much can't stand pg people who haven't stuggled with IF (yes I'm still bitter and I don't care what anyone thinks about it.)
I'm currently reading Silent Sorority, which I recommend to everyone, IF or not.
My car got broken into yesterday and I'm still effing pissed. The stole my gps stuff, mp3 player and all it's accesories, 3 pairs of sunglasses, an old cell phone, phone chargers for every cell phone I've had in the past 2 years, and some shoes.
I have a 4 month old long haired chihuahua named Lily.
Lily has more dresses than I do.
I'm a nanny and work part time for a medical staffing company in the NICU, PICU, Peds and SAU.
I'm going to school to be a pharmacist and I love the shit out of Chemistry.
I've got about 5 1/2 years of school left.

I can't wait to "meet" you all! Drop me a line if you are living child-free not by choice and have given up TTC. I'd love to connect with you!

Wednesday

2009-05-13T13:03:00.000-07:00

I feel a little better today than my last post. Could be the adderall, could be every single person I know confronting me about it. I also emailed resolve some time last week and got a response on Monday. They have a support group in the city on the 3rd Tuesday of each month. While it is a start, I don't feel like that is going to be enough. I'm also trying to find a therapist. I don't want some woman whose walls are littered with pictures of her children, but this is Oklahoma, finding another infertile, especially one with a degree could prove difficult.

I've been babysitting a lot lately which is $nice$ and I'm still waiting on my drug test to come back from MSN. I just wish they could pull my file from last time I worked there so I wouldn't have to jump through so many hoops. The drug test is taking so long because of my prescription to Adderall. I've failed every drug test I've ever taken because of that tiny blue pill. (well all except one and I'll touch on that in a second.) The reason it is taking so long this time is because my prescribing physician is out of the office until the end of June, at the very least, and I haven't been able to reach her nurse. Now the wonderful story about the drug test I passed! It was my drug test for Mercy and it was literally two days after my most recent d&c. I still had morphine, hydrcodone, oxycodone, adderall, and xanax in my system. It was a shock when called to say I had passed the very next day. I've never had a drug test be that quick! I called the prescribing dr to thank him for answering them so speedily. Ha! They never talked to him or my pharmacy. They never saw my pill bottles or anything! Come to find out 8 months later they had mixed my urine up with someone else's. That person never got the job and was actually suing the hospital. I'm not too sure how they figured it was mine but oh well. I was put on suspension until my next drug test came back (happily positive this time, just like it should have been in the first place.)

What else is new? I got a 3.54 GPA this semester which raises my cumulative to right where it should be for pharmacy school. It hit me today. I'm going to be a fucking pharmacist some day. I am smart enough and I'm going to get in. I never get my hopes too far up for anything so I always would walk the walk and talk the talk about pharmacy school, while in the back of my mind thinking, "yea right!" It's not just a dream anymore, it's a plan. No kids, money issues, or work can get in my way!

I also ordered a new TV (46" 1080p LCD) and a new computer (one of those little mini ones that will fit nicely in my purse for school), and a new computer for my mom. The TV is a downsize from a 55" but it was a big, rear projection so the HD quality will be so much better, and 46" is probably more realistic for our living room. We are going tonight to look for a nice TV stand at Target or Mathis Brother's.

I'm going to email resolve back and let them know I am for sure coming. I'm pretty nervous because I have the feeling I will be the youngest. I'm also trying to figure out what to wear! If you have been to something like this please let me know your thoughts!

I'm a shitty person.

2009-05-08T12:47:00.001-07:00

I ordered my copy of Silent Sorority! I can't freaking wait for it to get here.

I have 3 best friends, one has 3 year old twin boys, one is pregnant with twins, and one is getting married in a few months. It should be such a happy time. I'm bitter... I shouldn't feel this way. I'm the world's worst friend.

I was reading a blog the other day that compared RE visits and infertility to a drug. That's exactly it. It takes so much to withdrawal from it then someone comes around and makes it look easy* and makes you want to run to your "dealer" for another fix. Too bad there isn't a 12 step program for this.

*Easy- Let me explain before I get mad comments. This term is used loosely, if anyone gets pregnant with less meds/cycles/treatments than I have I can't help but to think it was easy.

Now, how am I going to get through this and get on with life? I would love to leave the bitter behind but right now it's unrealistic. I'm doubting everything I've ever known. There can't be a god in a world like this. How in the world can someone get blessed with multiples if I can't even get one. There just can't be a higher power and leave me feeling this way. AND don't fucking say that everything happens for a reason.... that's impossible. I've worked in health care far too long to know this.

I've thought about seeking therapy. But I know that if this person has children they have no idea how I feel. I would like a barren women psychologist (or psychiatrist so I can get drugs) but I'm afraid that's impossible.

2009-05-05T12:28:00.000-07:00

Fuck. I'm in a shitty mood again. I should be out celebrating because finals are almost over but no. I'm in a fucking bitter and shitty mood. I don't know how I can come out of this. I'm so fucking pissed off at everyone and everything. I think I might only be happy if I block myself from the whole world. I'm not even leaving my moms house on Sunday because if someone wishes me happy mothers day I am probably going to punch them in the face. No shit. I talked to my husband today at lunch about it too. He had no pearls of wisdom and is in a pretty shitty place too. We weren't going to leave the house Sunday but my mom wants us to come over for mothers day. When she suggested this I said, "fuck mothers day!". And I don't cuss around my mom. She of course understood and said we could have a fuck mothers day celebration. Sounds good to me. Ill be back later from a real computer to go more in depth about why I feel like this. I bet you can't wait to hear more bitching! I know I can't!

Show and Tell - Lily's First Bath

2009-05-03T10:22:00.000-07:00

As you can guess, this week's Show and Tell is Lily related. Saturday she had her first bath! Like any new "mom", I made sure to get lots of pictures! Check out what the rest of the class is showing at Mel's Show and Tell!

Just a pic of Lily... not bath related.

She didn't completely hate it!

Running the baby's bath water.

Checking out her new shampoo.

Introspection

2009-04-29T17:36:00.000-07:00

One week left of school. Could it just be over?! I get to spend the next week busting my ass and completely stressing about finals. Even beyond these thoughts of tests, quizzes and projects my mind is still fixating on the thought of living child-free not by choice. I always say the "not by choice" part because I don't want anyone, friend or foe, to stumble across the blog and judge me. No, I do not wish to live my life empty handed and I do not wish to blow my money on cars instead of college tuition for kiddos. I would love to be broke and making chicken pot pies and changing diapers but I'm afraid it's just not my reality.

I even have a full bottle of Femara, but I just don't want to take it. Even if it works (which I'm sure it won't) it doesn't mean the pregnancy is going to work. I'm at a place in my life where I'm, at least, a little at peace with the idea. I know having another miscarriage would throw that idea out the window. I would crawl back under my comforter and live a few months under there.

I know it will be different for everyone, but when did you just know that living child-free not by choice was the decision for you?

ABC's

2009-04-25T07:27:00.000-07:00

The ABC's of me for ICLW. All the cool kids are doing it so I thought I would follow.

Age- 22... yes, I'm a youngin'

Best friend- Katie (who lives 22 hours away), Angie (who is getting ready to live 18 hours away), Cara (my lesbian best friend who has offered to carry my child... too bad we don't have the money for IVF and pregnancy without insurance.)

Clotting factor- I have MTHFR. I like to call it motherfucker because it's a motherfucking problem.

Dad- Lives about 3 hours away and I can't wait to go float the river with him this summer.

Ellen- Me!

Fertile- Something that I am not! (I'm not so creative :p)

Google- I couldn't live my life without google. Seriously.

Heather- Was one of my whore friends from Tulsa that got pregnant with her boyfriend of 3 months.

Impulsive- I've been known to be rather impulsive, with haircuts, buying pets, moving, buying a car, etc.

John- My wonderful brother who would give anything for me to have a baby. He is currently recruiting a girlfriend with a fertile and friendly uterus to grow a baby for me hahahah.

Kind of music- I'm in love with all things red dirt. If you don't know what that is try googling Jason Boland and the Stragglers, Stoney LaRue, Randy Rogers Band, I could go on and on!

Lily - My new little chihuahua that is the new love of my life (sorry honey!)

Mom is one of my very best friends. She is currently dating her highschool sweetheart and probably getting ready to move up there (8 hours away.)

No one is going to be living in Oklahoma this time next year :( I need more friends!

Octopus- I ate it on a salad years ago at one of my dad's client's restaurants. The menu was is spanish and dad told me it was chicken. YUCK!

Panties- I'm going to a panty party tonight for Angie. She's getting married in a few months. (story later on what I got her)

Quote- "Do you have mole problems? If so, call Avogadro at 602-1023." If anyone besides me gets this please leave a comment so we can be friends lol

Recycle! Wednesday was earth day and I had a shit ton of fun at the festival!

Sand. I can't wait to see some sand this summer in SC!

Tan- Since there are no babies in my belly I'm gonna work on my tan this week.

Unknown- Recently in Chem Lab we had to identify an unknown metal. I was one of the few that got mine right and I got 97.5% Hells yeah.

Veg- No not the kind you eat but what I'm doing today.

Wagener is my maiden name... weird spelling and all.

X-rays- I hate when they ask me if I'm sure I'm not pregnant when I get xrays. I want to punch them in the face and say "yes... I'm fucking positive."

Yesterday I had school all day. Bleh. 2 more weeks.

Zebra print toenails!

The eff word.

2009-04-25T07:22:00.000-07:00

A lot of people I know with blood disorders (clotting factors) have one miracle child and had an uncomplicated first pregnancy. Why not me? I figured something was up so I started ttc young but maybe not young enough. Too bad I wasn't a whore in highschool and I'd probably at least have one. I just don't get why it has to happen to me?! Who would have thought? I mean, really, why the fuck did it happen to me? Not just the MTHFR... it's been OVER a year since I've been pregnant. It really shouldn't be this hard. Fuck you PCOS. My NICU is having a family picinic today. Too bad I don't have a family to go with. Fuck Fuck Fuck.

Lots to Talk About

2009-04-23T08:55:00.000-07:00

If you are checking in from my old board. Yes, I left. I couldn't take any of it any longer. I tried to stay away when I would get upset but I still logged on and it ALWAYS made things worse. I can't sit and read about your day care problems or BFWP because I don't get to go through any of that. I am still happy for all of you that have had babies but it's unrealistic to think I can read that without thought of blowing my brains out. Some people bitch all the time and don't take the time to step back and realize how great their life really is.

I've been babysitting so much this week I have hardly had time to post. I did get a twitter though so if you have one come follow me! My link is to the left side. I've also been studying so much for finals. I have 2 1/2 weeks of school left and it is really crunch time. The studying is paying off though- I got a sticker on my Chemistry exam! I haven't got a sticker on a test since elementary school but I'll take it! 92% is pretty damn good for that kind of class. So go me.

I recently found a bottle of Femara that I thought I lost. I thought about using it this month but I just don't feel like it! I want to have sex for fun like the olden days! Speaking of sex for fun, I remember my very first TTC appt with my old doctor. He asked how often we made love and I remember answering 5-9 times a week. Oh the good 'ol days... TTC sure killed that!

I'm getting excited for summer. NO classes! LOTS of red dirt music festivals, floating the river, going to the lake, and going to SC!

I'm giving blood today (I give everytime I'm available so every 54-56 days) so I'm carrying my water bottle around and drinking a shit ton of water. The lady I babysit for said "I haven't given blood in such a long time, I'm always pregnant." Must be tough!

'Ello!

2009-04-21T08:23:00.000-07:00

Welcome IComLeavWe'ers! This is my second month to participate. You can a see a brief summary of my journey on the left. I've had a few miscarriages, a diagnosis of MTHFR, and good 'ol PCOS. I haven't been able to get pregnant for over a year now and we are considering trying to live child-free (not by choice, of course.)

This has been a relative new idea for us but we are still working out the logistics. My husband is a plumber/pipefitter (not the kind with the saggin pants fixing your toliet.) He works with a mechanical company that builds hospitals, plumbing and pipefitting the med gas and all that fun stuff. I'm a nanny, student and part time neonatology tech. I'm going to school to be a pharmacist or some kind of bad ass chemist.

In the last few months our life goals have really changed. I was going to school to be a nurse (most money for least education) so I could have 4 days free to spend with all the babies I was planning on having. :) My husband pushed me to do more... so here I am! We also wanted to eventually buy a huge ranch style home with a little land. Now we are looking forward to buying an amazing penthouse in downtown someday. We also weren't animal people... we've both not had pets since childhood and had no desire to have one. 2 1/2 weeks ago we watched Marley and Me. Now we have our first furbaby, Lily. You can see her pictures below this post.

Thanks for stopping by! If you are living child free not by choice or thinking about it, please leave me a link so I can find you!

Just one of those days.

2009-04-16T08:27:00.000-07:00

I woke up late, got to work late, forgot tampons, the road I take to work was closed, I overdrafted my bank account by paying rent a week early on accident, allergies are acting up and I have more homework due tomorrow than I've had the whole semester!

I'm waiting for today to get better but I think I will have to wait for next wednesday for things to get really better.

But on a positive note... I got into all the classes I wanted and I'm taking 18 hours. We'll see if that sticks!

Show and Tell - Lily

2009-04-12T16:41:00.001-07:00

As some of you may know, our family expanded one week ago today when we purchased our "baby", Lily. She has really had a great week. She has settled in and had many visitors in welcome her to the world. My friend Angie and her hubby-to-be, Masa stopped by and brought a blanket and a collar for Lily. My mom drove down today for Easter and to meet Lily. She wasn't sure if she would make it so she mailed our easter presents before she came. (See below.)

The dress on the left is from my mom and the one on the right is an impulse buy that I got in trouble for :) She's still too small for these but I can't wait for her to wear them. We've been "practicing" clothes so she wouldn't be shocked by them when it comes time.

Here is Lily in her travel bag. Apparently, it's a must have for these little dogs so they properly socialized... I didn't make it up, I swear!

Side view. I call it my diaper bag. :)

This is the blankie and collar. I had to wrap it up all pretty again like it was when she gave it to Lily.

Some of her favorite toys :)

Check out what the rest of the class is showing at Mel's Show and Tell!

Sock it to Me!

2009-04-11T19:27:00.000-07:00

See Part 1: The Socks have arrived.

I'm a little late on posting but better late than never! You can read the beginning of the story at the link above. Kym at I'm a Smart One started this wonderful idea to start a sock exchange for the women of IF. As soon as I heard about it I jumped on the chance to participate. Since starting this blog I have met so many wonderful and strong women. This exchange gave us the chance to go from friends at the keyboard to friends in real life. These ladies and their blogs give me the strength to battle infertility. Whether or not we decide on adoption, end up getting pregnant, or decide to live childless, we have wonderful support and success stories to help us through.

I was able to make many more blog connections than just my sock buddy, Jenn. I have spent hours searching the participants. There will be a sock exchange in the fall so make sure you save Kym's page!

2009-04-09T13:52:00.000-07:00

I want to thank the nasty white trash pregnant lady that was just sitting on my porch... wait... what? Yes, that's correct. Lily and I were just at home playing in the front room when I hear this lady talking outside. I've never heard anyone that close to my window before so I go investigate. She is so pregnant that her belly won't fit in to her shirt (non maternity, of course) and her daughter is playing in our yard with the stoller parked in the center of the yard. I open the door and say, "Can I help you?" She says, "Oh sorry, I didn't know anyone lived here." Yeah what gave it away? The ORANGE car parked in the driveway, the flowers in the flower bed, or the open front door? She continues to say that they walked from the apartments down the street because I have a big front yard. Umm.. I'm not a park to your unwed pg ass! What is the world coming to?

I live in Edmond... this isn't suppose to happen!

Missing My Grandma

2009-04-06T23:14:00.000-07:00

My late grandma's birthday is today, April 6th. She passed away in 2005. She was by far the closest family member to me, outside of Mom or John. She took care of us when mom was at work, from infancy until John could drive. My mom worked 5am-1pm so Grandma would come over extra early and get us ready. She even tied our shoes long after we could tie them ourselves. I remember once when I was sick she even rocked me to sleep and I was way past the age of needing to be rocked. She made this awesome meal when we were sick that she called "Egg in a dish" it was a hard boiledish egg where the white was hard boiled and the yellow was goopy (yeah... I don't cook and there is probably a name for this.) She would cut the white up and drip the yellow over little peices of bread. Put it in a cup then voila... egg in a dish. I've never tried to replicate this seeing as I can barely make cereal right.

I've just been thinking about her a lot lately. She too went through some miscarriages. She had a stroke later in 2001 that could have been caused by MTHFR (she was an old lady though but I can see the possible connection.) She was always very giving with her money, food, time, anything. She was just a giving lady. I think if she were still alive she would totally front us the money for surrogacy without batting an eye. She always handled the finances and now that she is gone my 82 year old grandpa handles it all. I don't blame him for not handing me 40,000 of course, it's a different world for an elderly man who is now all alone.

More grandma memories to come... I'm having a sneezing attack... damn being allergic to Oklahoma.

Show and Tell

2009-04-05T16:17:00.000-07:00

This show and tell writes itself. This is our new "baby" her name is Lily Moore. Lily is from Harry Potter because I couldn't fathom having a name pop out of thin air (thanks for the idea Katie.) She is a long haired chihuahua. She's 8 weeks and is a "brindle" brown color.

Don't mind her outfit being a little bit out of season... it was on sale and I don't want to committ to clothes when she is so little. It was cold here today so she needed something!

The breeder was wonderful. Asked us if we had any kids and when we said no, she said, "well, good. She can be your first." Damn right. I've already informed the "grandparents" of their granddog and let the aunts know. It's ashame that we first time puppy moms don't get a puppy shower!

See what the rest of the class is showing at Mel's Show and Tell!

Hopeful

2009-04-04T17:01:00.000-07:00

On this day one year ago, I was in the hospital losing my baby. Today, I spent ALL day looking for a puppy. That's right... instead of being sad and depressed today I went to petsmart and petco and cruising the classifieds. Hopefully tomorrow we will be able to go get one but today I found this amazing shirt for a minidog. I can't wait!

Tomorrow I will be back for real blogging... I'm off to babysit someone else's miracle.

I'm ready to relax!

2009-04-02T08:55:00.000-07:00

My week has been ridiculously busy. I usually babysit for two families each week. One family for 10 hours over two days. The other family is usually just 2-3 hours... Well at this point I have already sat 20 hours (not including today.) I'm just ready for sunday... ready to relax!

I'm worried that I'm not ovulating anymore. I did both digital and cheapie opks. Never got a smiley face on digis and got close to a pos cheapie on CD 13. But it wasn't really that dark... And I didn't have ANY o signs this month. This was suppose to be my last cycle of Femara but I'm still not pg?! What are we going to do next? We've talked iui but I'm not really sure what drugs I'm going to be on? I need to call them today when I get off "work". Hopefully I'll be back tonight :)

Show and Tell - Sticky Buns

2009-03-29T07:20:00.000-07:00

We were suppose to get a crap ton of show this weekend so I decided to make my mom's special recipe for sticky buns. We didn't get much snow- maybe 1/2 inch or so.

Here is the picture after I prepared them to sit out all night.

It must have gotten a little warm in the house because they got WAY huger than normal. There were a couple of casualties to the counter but I think it'll be just fine.

And here is the finished product.

We've never tried them in this oven so Denny's or Jimmy's Egg was our back up plan. If anyone wants the recipe you can email me but I don't want to post it for the whole internet world to see! See what the rest of the class is showing at Mel's Show and Tell.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

2009-03-27T17:11:00.000-07:00

GO SYRACUSE! I don't really know anything about you but I REALLY want you to win!

Friday is usually my long day at school and I can thank the blizzard for remedying that situation. No, no, no... we aren't in the blizzard yet but apparently my school thought we were going to be?! On Thursday they decided the university would close at 2pm on Friday. I'm not really sure which weather channel they were watching, but I'm okay with it. It's now 7:12pm Friday evening. It's still above freezing and it's raining.

My IRL best friend, Angie, got a blog! She hasn't blogged yet but when she does please go welcome her to the blogging world! She's been the best about the whole IF issue. She doesn't say "just relax" or any of that other bullshit. I'm so proud of her. :)

Nothing new to report on the TTC front. I'm bloaty (thanks pre-OHSS) and crampy. It's CD 11... I think. I'll check. Yep. Time to start the Estradiol. Speaking of Estradiol. I've never heard of anyone else taking this. If you are please comment just to let me know that others exist.

Drama Fun

2009-03-25T16:26:00.001-07:00

Okay so... I'm usually not a drama filled person... but sometimes it is just fun to get involved. Please see Katie's blog for all the info and here's the link to the drama.

Short story.... These girls are talking about smoking pot while ttc and pg. No facts are going to get to them so I tried something else.

I was really proud of my response and wanted to post it here: I hope you and your little pot head friends do get pregnant... keep on smoking that pot too! When your baby is in the NICU and fails the meconium drug screen then DHS will step in and then I'll adopt your baby. Then you'll be at home smoking pot and wishing you were me. OH and a little info. The meconium drug screen will show ANYTHING and EVERYTHING you have smoked, shot up, or swallowed through your ENTIRE pregnancy. So toke up ladies... I'm looking to adopt.

CD 7

2009-03-23T17:58:00.000-07:00

I HATE MY COMPUTER! I just typed a big long blog and pressed one button and it was gone. Sometimes I can hit the back button before blogger saves it but no such luck this time. :( I have Windows Vista... that's the only difference from my last laptop. I wish I could figure out where these settings are and turn them off! It interferes with everything... word, online homework, EVERYTHING! Anyway.........

I'm on CD 7. Had to look at fertility friend to figure out what day it was. I took my Femara CD 2-6 instead of 1-5 like normal because of the cyst ultrasound. I'm already ready to pee on stuff (opks) !!! I usually do it 11-16 so hopefully that'll catch it.

My computer keeps going crazy so I guess I'll finish this tomorrow. If you are a Vista master please let me know how to fix this.

2009-03-22T20:03:00.000-07:00

Quick fly by post to those who adopted or are in the process.

Do you have a post on your blog about how you decided to start the process, or how the process started? How did you feel towards IF during the process?

And if you suffered losses, was it easier (never forgotten) to deal with?

I'm just looking for some information and a good read. I'm too young for most agencies so just looking into learning more.

Show and Tell - Route 66

2009-03-21T17:28:00.000-07:00

There is a little town called Arcadia, OK about 10 minutes from our home. This tiny little town is known for a convenient store on the side of Route 66. This little place is called Pop's. They have literally over 500 different kinds of bottled pop. William and I go there every once and a while and get a mix and match assortment of 6-12 pops. Here are some pictures of this "landmark" on Route 66.

See what the rest of the class is showing... Mel's Show and Tell

SOCKS!

2009-03-20T12:45:00.000-07:00

I had to pay my ticket today by mail. I was paying special attention to the mailbox to make sure the check got picked up today (we've had problems with the mail before.) I see the mail man out my window and he's getting out... I THINK MY SOCKS ARE HERE! I see him carrying my regular mail and this fabulous heart mailer. WOOHOO socks are here! Wait... it's something from Katie... must not be my socks... but wait... does she have my address?! Open it up.... SOCKS! Big fluffy amazing socks. I can't believe my best friend is my sock buddy!

A few weeks ago when we got our sock assignments we were talking about it... what socks we liked, what socks we hate. She got a free ride on what socks I wanted! Good work!

I called my husband at work (I never call him at work) to tell him and he laughed at how excited I was. He figured something was wrong since I called before 3:30.... just your nerdy wife and her socks!

Picture time...

CD 4 - Spring Cleaning My Ass

2009-03-20T08:55:00.001-07:00

Today is Friday... The last day of spring break. My goal was to get the house in tip top shape and clean out all of closets and make better use of our space. Hahah... that was a cute idea but what in the world was I thinking?!

My goals for today:

Make a trip to goodwill to drop off some old clothes.
Clean the closets
Study (I'm already laughing about this one)

Today is CD 4 and for some reason the hot flashes are kicking my ass. I am usually miserable the first week in my cycle from lack of sleep. I'm sleeping just fine but sweating my butt off. We turned the air down to 67 last night and I still woke up about 7-8 times. I try to kick my covers off but I can't sleep without something over me. I guess I can only blame the Femara since it is the only thing I am taking right now (other than the norm metformin, BA, fishoil, and folic acid.)

On a very happy note... I think I found the flight I want to SC to visit my good friend, Katie. I will be flying out of Dallas (bc it saves about $250 from flying out of here.) Dallas is about 3 hours away but totally worth $250. The flight is also a non-stop flight, which would be amazing because of my fear of planes. I'm not scared of flying but scared of planes... explain how that works?! And it would be less opportunity to miss a flight or get lost or something. I've hardly ever flown, let alone by myself.

I better get to my cleaning so I can pretend to have some of my goals complete!

CD 2 - I've Been Lapped

2009-03-18T13:13:00.000-07:00

I've been lapped! A girl on my old, old babycenter board who started trying around the same time I did has a 5 month old and decided to start trying for #2...BFP for her. WTH?! She's literally going to have two... hell, maybe three babies by the time I get one, or give up.

Ultrasound went fine today. No need for surgery. I should be happier but I'm still having a shitty day! One year ago today I found out I was pregnant. And today, like many days, I get to look at an empty ultrasound screen while my doctor checks out my pcos ovaries. Fun stuff.

I finally made it the post office afterwards so I could send my socks! I can't wait to get mine :) I mailed a couple little cards to my mom and other people. So check your mail and maybe you'll get socks from me!

Had a wee bit of a break down last night. Poor William. He has to deal with so much bullshit from me. Questioning God, reasons for infertility and why it would happen to us. I also felt bad because now his family knows about MY problems.

Stopped by the liquor store and got a wonderfully large bottle of Relax Riesling. YUM!

CD 1

2009-03-17T17:07:00.000-07:00

I'm so proud of AF! She came a day early just like I had wished! A 29 day cycle (thank you prometrium!) We've come a long way from the 117 day cycle over the summer!

I called the Dr. earlier to tell him I was spotting so I could come in for my ultrasound. He asked what CD I was on... I said 0 and tomorrow would probably be CD 1. Apparently spotting = CD 1... which is brand new information to me! So tomorrow (CD 2) I have my ultrasound at 1 to see if I need surgery. Wish me luck and hope for NO surgery!

Blog Award

2009-03-17T15:11:00.001-07:00

Thank you, KATIE for my first blog award!

The following is for all my infertility friends...this is something we all can relate to...

This award is for all the infertile women out there who have experienced all or some of the following.....

* If you could make a little house from used pee sticks and OPKs
* If you talk in TTC acronyms nobody except people on the internet understand
* If you have ever been stuck with any needles in order to achieve pregnancy
* If you have had to stick yourself, or your husband has had to turn into your nurse in order to do it for you
* If you've ever seen a blank ultrasound screen
* If you know what a cootercam is
* If you have ever gotten shower invites, family photos, or birth announcements in the mail and had a good cry
* If you have watched someone go through an entire cycle of pregnancy in the time it took you to even try
* If you have ever heard "just relax" or "it's not your time" or "your still young"
* If you dread holidays because you cannot announce a pregnancy to your family
* If you dread holidays because there are no children to share them with
* If you have ever held a baby or child and quietly pretended for a second that they're yours
* If you have ever walked around the store in order to avoid the baby/toddler section
* If you cannot park in the front spots of a store because they are for pregnant and expectant mothers only
* If you've ever had to go IN the baby/toddler section of a store in order to buy something for someone else's baby
* If you've ever yelled out during watching a movie or tv show about someone who's trying for a baby, "That's SO not realistic!"
* If you've ever sat around with a group of women who shared birth stories and labor pains and felt like you didn't fit in
* If you've ever told anyone you are infertile and they're response was, "That sucks. I'm super fertile! I can have all the kids I want!"
* If a fertile person ever told you that they would be your surrogate because they have no problem getting pregnant
* If you have ever gotten a shower invite through email while sitting at work trying to forget about TTC
* If you know what an RE is
* If you have ever graphed out your cycle on chart paper
* If you have ever checked to see if your cervical mucus was eggwhite or clear, or could stretch 5 inches between your fingers and you know people in the next stall over are thinking, "What is she doing in there?"
* If you were disappointed that you couldn't find any
* If you have kept a HPT or OPK in your purse to use when you were at work or out just in case
* If you can't wait to see the peak symbol
* If you have ever spat on a microscope in order to see ferns
* If you laugh when people tell you to use pillows under your butt after sex
* If you have picked out crib bedding or nursery decor online and you're not pregnant
* If you have ever felt panic when seeing a pregnant lady

If you meet the criteria above, or you'd like to submit your own, please post the following award on your blog. This is for all of the women who will no longer be silent about their infertility. This is to remind you that you need not be ashamed and you are definately not alone. This is to remind you to speak up about your situation and to have faith!!!!!!

Rules for posting award:

1. Nominate 4 others who have not been "silent about their infertility"

2. Enjoy speaking out and speaking up :D

I nominate:

Erica (Parenthood for Me, Inc.)
Kymberli
Life induces thoughts, mostly random - Beautiful Mess
Lisa (private blog)

2009-03-16T11:40:00.000-07:00

If this were a normal cycle I would have already tested about 3-4 times. Since the dr said I probably won't ovulate I'm trying not to waste my money... but I here I sit... literally sitting across from a box of FRER. I need the will power not to test.

Picture Follow Up

2009-03-15T18:46:00.000-07:00

This one is to show Katie my tiny pony tail!

We got our new bed! It's not made but it's here! I think we need stuff on those walls!

After dinner and back home. Wanted to show off the necklace some more (and the drapes in the background.)

Show and Tell - Anniversary Edition

2009-03-15T08:57:00.000-07:00

Today is our one year anniversary and my husband surprised me with this beautiful pearl necklace. Tonight we will be going to Charleston's for dinner (where we went after the wedding.) I'll post more pictures tomorrow of us eating the cake topper and all that. See what the rest of the class is showing at Mel's Show and Tell.

2009-03-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

I will be walking in the Great Strides Walk for Cystic Fibrosis in May 2009. I've set a goal of $300 to be raised. (It's low because I want to have this by May and will set another goal for the next year.) Please help me reach my goal by donating to a great cause! More info to come!

It's MY time!

2009-03-13T17:04:00.000-07:00

I'm the world's worst blogger this week. I'm sorry! Here's a play by play... MIDTERMS WEEK!

3 Chemistry tests
1 math test
1 stupid computer class test
3 sets of math homework due
chemistry homework due last night at 11pm
chemistry team worksheet due today
2 supplemental instruction sessions
chemistry peer evaluation
chemistry replacement quiz
sick father-in-law that had to stay 7 days instead of 2
sister-in-law in town but have no time to hang out with her
mother-in-law finding out I'm infertile
10 days of prometrium (which steals my memory for 10 days)
Work Monday 3-5
Work Tuesday 9-3
Work Wednesday 3-6
Work Thursday 9-3
Chem lab the friday before spring break until 5pm...

Phew... And now it is spring break!

I wish I had to take birth control!

2009-03-09T05:57:00.000-07:00

I apologize in advance because I am posting from my cell phone and there is no spell checker :)

Anyway, I wish I had to take birth control! Literally 2 girls in my first class got out their pill packs and popped their anti baby pills. I remember back in those days. I would beat myself up if I missed a day and come to find out it wouldn't have mattered anyway. Oh the money I would have saved... Let's just add it up. Over 5 years I tried numerous different kinds. I tried the shot once - $90 and the pill, patch and ring - $1026 (all $18 each month) and don't let me forget the condoms too... Harder to add up but we will estimate. I'm allergic to latex so they are more expensive... Maybe $12 a box. So condoms- $500... And I think that is low. Grand total is... $1616! Don't even get me started on what I have wasted on hpts over the years! Ugh.

2009-03-07T15:17:00.000-08:00

Take a moment to watch this video: http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

Show and Tell

2009-03-07T12:00:00.000-08:00

I was hoping to have my new bedroom completed by this weeks show and tell... but maybe next week. Here's the king size bedspread. We are buying a king bed when we get our tax return which I was hoping to have had by now.

And here is what it will look like when it's done, thanks to Macys.com

2009-03-04T10:33:00.001-08:00

Just wanted to hop on here and let everyone know that I'm feeling better. I just called the dr (it's lunch time so they will call me back) to see if I had to wait for AF to have another ultrasound because AF will likely be here the Thursday or Friday of spring break and if I have to have surgery it would need to be that week... there's just no way I could miss classs right now.

On a happy note, I did really well on my Chem test! Wooo

Now I have to clean my house because my FIL is coming tomorrow!

Show and Tell

2009-03-02T15:14:00.000-08:00

This is my sick cup. My mom bought it for me when we were at Disney World for New Years 2002 when I wasn't feeling good. I use it every time I'm sick (or floopy.) And yes it's out today.

And this is my sick look. I'm only allowed to be this pitiful when I'm not feeling good. :)

The Results Are In

2009-03-02T10:35:00.000-08:00

I went for my u/s today since I didn't get a positive digital over the weekend. I have like 13-18 cysts on each side and that's normal for me but then he scans the left side again and there's this giant one (the size of all 18 combined) and apparently it's full of blood. I'm not at all surprised because it's always one thing after another and I was finally getting used to what I've got. He's going to scan it again when I start my period and if it is still there then I get surgery. At least I know why my temps are off... the huge bloody cyst can make my temps rise... I KNEW I didn't O on CD12! He also told me not to pay attention to my cheap opks and if I don't get a +digi then I'm not gonna ovulate. It's just do frustrating! Oh and btw... I could lose my left ovary in all of this!

Two girls on my old board got their BFP today... CONGRATS JULIE!! And one girl said "i'm pregnant....how is this possible???" Uhm... you had unprotected sex with your BOYFRIEND, and from what I hear that can do it. (Not that it works that way for me... but apparently that is how it is suppose to work.) Yesterday she said she was going to try harder to prevent... try harder? You either prevent or you don't. And her boyfriend, who is on unemployment, isn't happy either! Why can't my husband (who can support a family) and I (who is mature enough to raise a family) have that luck?

2009-03-01T07:36:00.000-08:00

So it looks like a +opk with the cheapie on CD 13 but no smiley with the digital. My temps say CD 12 was ovulation... so nothing is matching up! Ugh. I'm of course going to continue taking the opks but my temps are jacked. I KNOW I didn't O on CD 12.

I like peeing on things.

2009-02-27T17:48:00.000-08:00

I'm going to do the clear blue digitals too but I want to continue the cheapies to see if they match up. I'm glad I can see a difference in 11 and 12 but still no smiley on digital. The CD12 isn't as dark as it looks here but it's getting there. Maybe Sunday?

Oh and pardon the cell phone quality!

Are We Having Fun Yet? No.

2009-02-27T14:59:00.000-08:00

I just got home from the worst day ever- well, worst day in a year at least. I get to school at 7:15am then have to leave again at 9:25 (in the middle of the class I slept through on Wednesday) and haul balls to fertility clinic. I get there, check in and have a seat. I then learn that Dr. Goff is in a surgery and will be 30 minutes late. I can't wait and I can't come back later. 11am-5pm on Friday is my Chem lecture and Lab... which I literally can't miss. I talk to the nurse and she makes me go to Target to get the ClearBlue Digital OPKs. If I get a smiley face this weekend I don't have to go in on Monday and if I don't get a smiley face then I go in Monday at 1pm for my u/s.

Here's where the day gets really bad. I'm pulling out of Target on a street I don't know and I get pulled over. Apparently the speed limit on this road was 35 opposed to 45 on every other freaking road in OKLAHOMA! GEeezzZZ. Doesn't help that the cop is an asshole, of course.

I rush into Chemistry, still red and crying from the freaking cop. Ugg.. then 6 hours of chemistry... not a good day.

But on a positive note. We're going to do IUI next cycle and try it twice then no more drugs for a year. I guess I'll get the details on Monday. Originally IUI wasn't going to be an option for us since a m/c is still so likely with the MTHFR but it's cheap so we'll try it. It's been a year since we were able to get pg last.

So CD 12 and no positive opk... I'll let ya know!

My dream or my nightmare?

2009-02-22T14:52:00.000-08:00

I awoke this morning with dozens of dreams spinning in my head. I had dreams about breast pumps, nursing pads, and maternity clothes. Even dreams about having multiples and decorating the nursery. Why does my brain do this to me? I purposely don't read my old miscarriage board before bed because these topics would get implanted in my brain, seeing as they are all new moms. My body must just hate me, giving me symtoms in the 2WW and giving me these stupid dreams that make me wake up longing for a child, even more than before, because in those dreams I get to feel what I may never get to really feel.

Speaking of love then marriage then family. I want to rant about an experience I had to deal with last year. Right after the wedding we started to get things in the mail about having babies. It seemed like the places we registered at for the wedding decided it was time for us to have babies. I kid you not, the day we got home from the honeymoon, Target sent us a $20 gift card (the catch was to start your baby registry there.) Maybe it's because I live in Oklahoma, where the number one reason for marriage is because you're pregnant or maybe Target wanted to lose my spending money, but it just doesn't make sense!

2009-02-14T12:14:00.000-08:00

Love and marriage, love and marriage...This is kind of like the 25 things - except there are pre-decided questions and it's about you and your spouse, not just you. Then tag whoever you want to do this! Come on, play along - inquiring minds want to know!
This is one of first couple pictures.
♥ What are your middle names? Ray & Elizabeth
♥ How long have you been together? Since November 12, 2006
♥ How long did you know each other before you started dating? 6 months
♥ Who asked who out? We were always flirty but he had a girlfriend so I had to be ultra smooth... I myspaced him and asked him to a bar where our first kiss was (apparently.) He bought me way too many rumplemenz to remember it.
♥ How old were each of you? I was 20 (fake id for the bar story) and he was 5 days from 24
♥ Whose sibling(s) do/ did you see the most? My brother, John but we still don't see him that much. We don't have any family where we live.
♥ Do you have any children together? Not from lack of trying.
♥ What about pets? We're not really animal people
♥ Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple? Going through a miscarriage in our first 2 months of being married. And being infertile.
♥ Did you go to the same school? Nope
♥ Who is smarter? We both have our subjects but he will tell you I'm smarter
♥ Who is more sensitive? Just depends on the subject, it's not always me
♥ Where do you eat out most as a couple? Hm... Texas Roadhouse? We always switch things up though
♥ Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple? Vegas
♥ Who has the craziest exes? I would have to say his just because women, in general, are crazier than men.
♥ Who has the worse temper? ME!
♥ Who does the cooking? He cooks, I order take out!
♥ Who is more social? We both are
♥ Who is the neat-freak? Me
♥ Who is the more stubborn? We are equally stubborn... damn hard heads
♥ Who wakes up earlier? He is usually up earlier for work but I'm up earlier on the weekends.
♥ Where was your first date? Technically, it was Sutures... a bar in Tulsa.
♥ Who has the bigger family? We both have a big extended family but mine are more in touch.
♥ Do you get flowers often? Not very often because we are never home long enough to enjoy them.
♥ How do you spend the holidays? We spend them with each other instead of with the family.
♥ Who is more jealous? Probably me, but we haven't had much of that in a while
♥ How long did it take to get serious? We started living with each other pretty much right away (we both had our own places but you could rarely find us apart) and he told me he loved me 5 days after we started dating. So... QUICK!
♥ Who eats more? Him
♥ Who’s better with the computer? Me-because I'm on it more
♥ Who drives when you are together? Just depends... we both hate driving.

2009-02-14T09:34:00.000-08:00

Stolen from Katie!
Question 1: Post a picture of whatever bag you are carrying as of late. No, you cannot go up to your closet and pull out that cute little purse you used back before you had kids. I want to know what you carried today or the last time you left the house.

Question 2: I want to know how much it cost:) And this is not to judge. This is for entertainment purposes only. So spill it. And if there is a story to go along with how you obtained it, I’d love to hear it. Also, what's inside your purse?

I got my massive bag at PAYLESS! And it was 29.99 :) I'm cheap

Here's what in my purse:

Chocolate covered gummy bears (my weakness)
Digital camera
Wallet
Short Sexy Hair - Play dirty spray wax
Tampon
$27
Bottle of Metformin
Pepper Spray
Germ-X
Random highlighters, pens and pencils
Notecards from a test last week
Mascara
Powder
Eyeshadow
Lotion
Cuticle cream
Tanning goggles
Chapstick
Lip Gloss
Harry Potter book
Planner

Question 3: Tag some chicks. And link back to this post so people know why the heck you’re showing everyone your purse.If you haven't already done this, consider yourslef tagged!!!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2009-02-14T09:23:00.000-08:00

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

William had to go to Texas on business so I'm alone for Valentine's Day. I'm going to try to get some things done around the house and get some studying done. We went out for the "holiday" on Thursday to Outback Steakhouse.

I'm currently on CD 30.... just waiting around for AF. I've finished my 10 days of prometrium so hopefully she'll be here within a few days.

Katie and I started a new board on babycenter.com for couples that have been trying more than a year. We titled it TTC & TTK for 1 year. It is going really well so far. It's nice to have a place to talk where people actually understand. If anyone is interested contact Katie or I and we'll send you out an invite!

My last post said I was going to have a rant... and for the life of my I cannot remember what I was talking about... guess it wasn't that important :) I'm sure by the time the week is over I'll have a new rant.

I'm back with a BFN

2009-02-09T14:11:00.000-08:00

I'm back... for now. I'll give you all an update from my last post. The day after that post we decided to give up for a while. TTC is stressful and the drugs made me feel like shit. So since the last post, William and I went to Las Vegas for his birthday (and the last m/c due date.) We needed to get away and it was awesome!

One of the pirate ships at Tresure Island.

Here we are outside the Venitian (Ignore the Mirage sign, it's next door!)

And here we are with the blue man group :)

We also had Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. We skipped all the family stuff since there were new babies and pregnant women (it's our first year being "infertile" so maybe things will get easier, but I kind of liked being alone.) New Year's was definatly not as eventful as last year... I was SICK and went to bed at 9pm.

So now that you are pretty much caught up... we are trying again for a few months and then hopefully getting my eggs ready to bank for a surrogate. I'm on CD 25, 11DPO with a lovely BFN today before breakfast. I actually ovulated this month (the had to up my femara bc it wasn't working) so that is the good news as of late. I'm staying so busy with school but I wanted to jump on here and update... the next post will be a rant... there's your warning.

XOX

Tilted Uterus

2008-09-26T12:37:00.001-07:00

Once again my doctor has mentioned the UPLIFT surgery for my tilted uterus. I guess I'll be looking at getting this done in a few months. Maybe before next semester. A part of me wants to continue trying to get pregnant for the next 2 months but part of me just wants to lay down and give up. The doctor upped my Femara to 2 pills a day (5mg) and take them CD 1-5 instead of 3-7. Eh... fertility blues are kicking in today!

2008-09-26T12:18:00.001-07:00

The infertility drugs didn't work this month so here's my empty egg carton.

BFN

2008-09-09T08:48:00.000-07:00

DPO 10 - BFN

Yes, I know it's still early... especially for my jacked up body. But everyone who is TTC knows that as soon as you can MAYBE get a faint positive you pee on sticks like it's going out of style. I had William get me a couple of tests at the grocery store the other day and when he got home I took one. It was 8 DPO! It would have been the earliest BFP known to man... but that didn't keep me from taking it... and it didn't keep me from staring at it for the next hour or 2! So my husband wanted to point out the definition of insane... so I thought I would share it with you all: Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Yeah so all the TTCers out there are going insane with me!

We only have 2 months left of trying... and I was REALLY thinking it would be this month. I know it's still early but I just have that feeling that it's not going to be our month now. I got all excited when I broke out earlier this week.... but that's probably just from going to bed without washing my face one night!

I have a baby shower to go to this weekend. It will be the first one since the m/c. I love the woman who is pregnant... and she deserves to be happy. She is one person that genuinely cares about how I'm doing and wants to know what the dr says after I see him. And I hate to say it... but I'm more okay with pregnant people when they have problems with their pregnancies. I know that's horrible. But that's how I can get through working in the NICU and dealing with so many moms. My friend that has the baby shower this weekend has hypertension and gestational diabetes and is on best rest now. So think good thoughts for her and Christopher.

Sorry I'm being rambly (yes, it's a word.) I have 2 huge tests this week so I wanted to just drop in quickly and I don't have time to edit!

Thanks for reading!

My journey.... stolen from Katie... who borrowed the idea from KuKd!

2008-08-28T09:46:00.000-07:00

Here's my own little spin on things:

Young, drunk, and deprived of sleep. Our first picture together (2 months before actually being together.) Definitely not thinking of babies, not even thinking long term. :P

Our first "couple" picture. 11/17/2006.

Our 6th month anniversary at Cherokee Casino and Resort. Things are starting to get very serious and marriage talks are happening. My baby fever is starting to be known. May 12, 2007.

William had just moved to Oklahoma City without me to work 91 hours a week on an oil rig to save money for what would be my engagement ring!

The day after getting engaged and moving into our first home together! 7/24/07
And also my first meal I made!

Pregnant for the first time. This time I didn't know until the miscarriage. But to me, looking back, I can tell.

New Year's Eve 2007. Just a few weeks post-m/c. Life is still going really well. One miscarriage doesn't mean there is a problem. It still hurt, but I tried to put it out of my mind.

February 2008. One month before the wedding. We decided to start TTC. Went off BC the next week!

Bachelorette Party! I'll get pregnant the next day!

4 weeks pregnant... but had no idea.

The day we found out we were pregnant! We were so excited. Still on the honeymoon. Started sharing the news right away. Bought a lot at the carter's outlet store while we were there. SOOOO happy!

::There are no pictures from the next 2 months. I spent most of it on bedrest until the miscarriage... and then on the couch hopped up on pain pills.::

And this is us a month ago. 4 months past m/c. Just got the news about the PCOS and MTHFR. Starting to be happy again just because there was a diagnoses. This night was also the first night we went out again, and ran into people that knew I should have been pregnant... asked me why I was drinking while pregnant.... good times.

Two

2008-08-28T09:39:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update... had my fertility ultrasound yesterday and
I'm releasing not one but TWO eggs!

Be back later for reals!

"Enjoy this blog because it took away from my husband's attention"

2008-08-25T18:31:00.000-07:00

CD 11 - My husband titled this blog.... fyi.

Is anyone else on Estradiol? I take it CD 10-12 but it makes me SOOO sick. The doctor said it wasn't normal but I noticed it last month on these days too, so I know that's what it is.

Today for my Development Psych class my prof posted a bulletin: What are your thoughts on fertility treatments? Are they ethical?

Well of course, you know my opinion... I'm totally for it all! The first lady to respond after me said, "I think ALL fertility treatments are completely unethical. I don't know why anyone would do that when there are millions of kids out there that need homes. People just need to adopt."

Okay... that's great. I think adoption is great... but thus far in my TTC journey infertility drugs are a hell of a lot cheaper than the costs of adoption. And it takes FOREVER sometimes. My husband and I wouldn't even get approved yet because of my age. I might get to adoption someday, but I'm going to try like hell to have my own.

That's my rant for the day! Time to take my meds and lay nauseously on the couch. Thanks for all the new comments today and a special thanks to the Stirrup Queen's Completely Anal List of Blogs That Proves That She Really Missed Her Calling as a Personal Organizer.

Update

2008-08-19T12:37:00.000-07:00

I haven't really felt like updating lately so here goes....

I'm now on the 2nd cycle of infertility treatment... only a few more months to go before we give up for a while. I'm still getting any and all side effects of the drugs. I used to be active on a couple of babycenter.com boards but have recently given that up. On one of them it just got to be too depressing to sign on and read everyone's bitch about their horrible pregnancy... even people talking about getting abortions if they found out something was wrong with their baby. Are you freaking kidding me? And another girl is getting a divorce and is 12 weeks pregnant. How come those people can have successful pregnancies and my body won't allow be to carry a child? (Trish... not our board :P)

School started yesterday but I don't have my first on campus class until tonight. I'm still working full time so that should be interesting. William and I also booked a vacation to VEGAS! I'm so excited! We've never been before so it'll be awesome. It'll be for his birthday but it would have also been my due date for the most recent pregnancy so it will be nice not to be here. We'll be flying out November 12th and come back November 17th.... so 6 days and 5 nights :)

Well I guess I better get back to cleaning the house.

Hippie parents.

2008-08-04T19:24:00.000-07:00

What books are these hippie parents reading these days?

MYTH: Breast Milk is the only way to feed your baby.
FACT: You're breast milk will probably not come in right away... It could take up to a week after you have your little one. Too many people I know are just starving their kids until their milk comes in. They don't realize the baby is STARVING!!! Formula is not the devil and there are formulas made for breast feeding moms.
ANOTHER thought about this: You might not get as much milk as the baby needs, and that's okay, even somewhat normal. That is why FORMULA was created. You can always supplement. What is better... having a failure to thrive baby because they don't eat or having a cute fat baby that is formula fed?

And routines....
Bathing children regularly help them create routines and help them to sleep better.... consider it.

Oh and happy birthday to me!

Mad Rant

2008-07-28T18:45:00.000-07:00

I'm soooo mad right now. I was hoping to ovulate this weekend but that didn't happen. I just got my positive OPK so basically in the next 12-36 hours I will ovulate... WILLIAM IS ON A WORK TRIP! Are you freaking kidding me? The egg couldn't do it's thing while we were on vacay at the lake? Let's wait until there is no chance!! Wooooooooooo

Fertility Ultrasound

2008-07-25T11:56:00.000-07:00

I just got back from the dr. It looks like the fertility meds are working and not overstimulating my ovaries (aka... there is only one egg that is going to be released.) I should ovulate sometime this weekend it looks like. But ovulating is only half the battle... so we'll see how things go.

I've been sick as crap from these pills so I haven't been on much but hopefully I will start feeling better soon. Morning sickness has nothing on this.

This weekend William and I are going to the lake to visit my dad. He got us a room for 2 nights at the state park resort. It'll be nice to get away :) I'm not really in the blogging mood but I wanted to let you all know that the dr's appt went well.

Not a good day.

2008-07-21T18:39:00.000-07:00

So EDIT to the last post. I miscounted my pills and I actually take 6 a day of the estradiol so picture 5 more of the little purple ones for a grand total of 19!! It's my grandpa's 81st birthday and I take more pills than him... not a good sign.

The emotions have started to kick in in the evening time.... BAD! It seems like every night we get some phone call or text or whatever and someone involved in always "knocked up." I say knocked up because none of this people tried, none had issues, and most aren't even happy about it. I'm also tired of hearing people tell me it will be okay. Don't tell me to relax. Check out www.resolve.org for more information on what not to say :)

Also, this evening we decided we will not be going to anymore family get-togethers. It sounds harsh but I'm not going to put myself in a room full of babies and pregnant family members so I can feel sad and jealous!

I have my femara ultrasound on Friday so I'll let you know!

Daily Dose

2008-07-17T12:07:00.001-07:00

These are just the ones I take daily, soon we'll add a syringe of heparin in there too.

Genetic Test Results

2008-07-17T08:34:00.000-07:00

I got a call Tuesday from my doctor that my genetic test results were in... and sure enough I have a genetic mutation on one of the key genes in carrying a child. There was some confusion about how serious it is, but apparently I have another test to determine the severity. I will have more information after my appointment on the 25th. All I really know now is that this mutation causes miscarriages and genetic disorders on the baby (anything from down's syndrome to turner's) and also very high risks of preeclampsia.

I've told a few people and they don't seem to think much of it. I am very aware that miscarriages can happen to anyone but I have a 58% with PCOS alone and now this. So it is a big deal!! I kind of want to give up talking to people about it because no one understands.

I'm laying low today, trying to get caught up on cleaning and laundry. I need some motivation!!

Time to go take half of my 13 pills a day!

EDIT: Dr. Goff just called (yes, at 7pm... he is the shit) my exact mutation is MTHFR c677t. He was getting ready to tell me the name of it and hesitated and then said "there is an abbrievation for it..." and I said, "Is it MTHFR?" and he said, "haha yes it is." So bam... I'm smart.

AF.... maybe?

2008-07-12T14:21:00.000-07:00

I might be getting overly excited too soon but I think AF might be on her way. I'm a few days past completing my 10 days of prometrium. I'm dying to get the regular meds started.

A few days ago I decided that I will also be using this same blog if/when I get pregnant. I want people to be able to go back and read about the trouble too, not just the good stuff. I know it's weird but I want credit for all this.

I'll start the metformin on CD1... maybe tomorrow?!?! Take 1 in the am the first 2 weeks. Then 1 am and pm weeks 3-4. Then 2 am and 1 pm weeks 5-6 and 2 am and 2 pm weeks 7-8.

I wanted to share this news about metformin that I found on ovarian-cysts-pcos.com: Another aspect of PCOS-related infertility is the tendency for repeated miscarriages. A study from the Hospital de Clinicas Caracas in Venezuela looked at 65 women who received Glucophage during their pregnancies vs. 31 who did not. The early pregnancy (first trimester) loss rate in the metformin group was 8.8% as compared to a 41.9% loss in the untreated group. Of those women who previously had miscarried, 11.1% of the metformin group miscarried again, while 58.3% of the untreated group again miscarried. (9)

Sounds like good news for me!

Infertility Etiquette - taken from resolve.org

2008-07-07T13:59:00.000-07:00

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.
IVF is Expensive with Low Odds
One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.

IVF is Physically Taxing
Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.

IVF Raises Ethical Issues
Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.

Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF
On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.

If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.

A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.

Don't Play Doctor
Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:
Blocked fallopian tubes
Cysts
Endometriosis
Low hormone levels
Low "normal form" sperm count
Low progesterone level
Low sperm count
Low sperm motility
Thin uterine walls

Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.

You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.

Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice.

Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

2008-07-07T13:19:00.000-07:00

I took this right after getting my blood drawn for the MMC and infertility testing. The ladies at the lab had never so many different tests and hadn't heard of most of them.

Nice to meet you...

2008-07-04T15:35:00.001-07:00

My name is Ellen Moore. I'm 21 (one month away from the big 22) and I live in Oklahoma. I recently got married to the man of my dreams, William, in March 2008. We've been trying to conceive officially since January 08. We experienced a few losses along the way and a diagnoses of PCOS just last week. I just completed the full MMC (multiple miscarriage) and Infertility blood testing, with everything coming back normal. I will start infertility meds as soon as my cycle can start up again. I'm on cycle day 71 and day 4 of 400mg prometrium. My doctor has already prescribed Femara, Estradiol, and of course, Metformin. Here's my fertilityfriend chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/209d4e Nice to meet you :)